to be honest,

I have no clue how much I weigh.

But I did just find out I can't even make it through the "test" video of insanity. (You know, the one where you aren't really required to do all 90 exercises, you just do your best.)
How many alien push ups can I do in a minute?
Zero.

What about hopping around in a square?
Two. If crawling in a square counts.

Now try to do a few jumping jacks.
I'd rather stay on the floor.

Folks, I'm getting back in shape.

Step 1: Buy a wheelchair.
Step 2: Make it through the warm up without pausing. (Yes, I'm 500 lbs and can't make it through a 2 minute warm up without pausing for a water break.)

I think I'll get prosthetic legs.
This getting in shape thing sucks.