just for the halibut

I created this blog with the particular name "word vomit" for the sole reason that I refuse to be held responsible for anything that offends anyone. Friends, I'm vomiting. Well, I vomited two years ago and to this day I still find it amusing.

Once upon a time I met a girl named Courtney Davis. 

She was a kleptomaniac. 

I wrote this post about her (also copied and pasted below) and unfortunately for her, it went viral.

I had my 15 minutes of fame at USU. It was grand.

Then her roommates came knocking at our door, saying they didn't know who, but someone posted something really mean about Courtney on the internet and we needed to take it down. 

1) I don't like people who lie.

2) the link to my blog is my NAME. You know exactly who wrote it.

3) I didn't take it down. In fact, here it is again. Because Courtney Davis jokes never get old.

**I told you that if I ever had a problem with someone, you’d know exactly who it was and what they did. Congratulations, Courtney. You’re first on the list.

First of all, I would like to say this; Courtney, if you’re reading this.. Just know that I don’t hate you. But I’m not about to lie and say you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to my life. (Far from that, actually..) However, there is a lot of hate going into this post. You are about to experience the wrath of Allie. So, I’d just like to apologize in advance. This is pretty low.. Even for me. Which is saying a lot.

Sorry, Court, SECRET’S OUT!!

To the general public: I’d like to start by saying stealing is never okay. (Unless you’re stealing someone’s heart. Too cheesy? My bad…) Lying about stealing is even worse. I’d like you all to take a wild guess at who happened to commit both of these awful crimes.

Was it Courtney Davis? If that is who you guessed, you were correct! Either you inferred it was her from the title of this blog post, or you have experienced this thievery first-hand. Unfortunately… My roommates and I have all had first-hand experience with personal items being victimized and stolen by none other than Courtney Klepto Davis. 

Here’s the thing about borrowing. Borrowing is okay. It is an everyday occurrence. You ask someone if you can temporarily use an item of theirs, and return it back to them shortly after use, and the world continues to go ‘round. You see.. this whole returning policy? This is where Courtney struggles. This concept is just too intricate and difficult for her to grasp. In her mind, borrowing means if you ask to use it, you have permission to hide it and keep it forever.

After having the fifth season of one of my all time favorite TV shows go missing for five months, I was getting a little impatient. I had let her borrow it the very same week that I had purchased it. I expected her to return it the next week. SHE DIDN’T. While she was moving out, I saw it with her stuff. Bugged a bit at first, I figured, “Hey, it’s okay. She’ll leave it here when she moves out.” SHE DIDN’T.

Kim texted her for me asking if she still had it. She said no. She straight up LIED and said she didn’t have it. I was MIFFED. I was not about to stand for that. So, a week later Kim texted her again. She said she had actually just barely “found it” while going through an old box of stuff, and that she would come by and return it right away. Yeah… Right… Guess what?

SHE DIDN’T.

My roommates and I decided to confront her about the situation. We wanted our stuff back, and we wanted it back NOW. So, we took action and marched over to her apartment to demand our stuff back.

Her eyes didn’t light up with fire, she didn’t grow fangs, and steam didn’t blow out her ears. But.. I think it’s safe to say she wasn’t too pleased with our showing up unannounced. After she gave me back my Grey’s Anatomy, Taylor asked if she had any of Kim’s shirts, Taren’s or Kandis’s movies, or a pair of her converse. She got really defensive and denied to having anything except Kim’s shirts, which were at “home”.. meaningnot Logan.

Dear Courtney: Ummmm.. Why didn’t you just leave Kim’s shirts here when you moved out? That way, you wouldn’t have to worry about the fact that yours and Kim’s schedules don’t match up. Which, by the way, why does Kim have to be home when you drop them off? She does have roommates. And I’m proud to say that we are all LOYAL, so her things would get back to her if they ever ended up getting dropped off. But… We all know that’s not going to happen. Also, even if you did take her shirts with you when you moved, why the H are they HOME home?!?! I can handle salmon and halibut.. but this just seems WAAAAAY too fishy.. I hate to say it, but I hope Kim enjoyed her time with those shirts, because I don’t think she’ll be seeing any of them ever again.

Freaking out and getting mad only proves how guilty you are. If you truly didn’t have anything of ours, you wouldn’t have a problem with us wanting to go through your stuff, because there wouldn’t be anything of ours to find. But there IS stuff to find, you DID steal our things, and you know that we know that you are a filthy, lying, rotten little thief.

Whatever. Take what you will. Talk all the crap you want. And don’t forget to enjoy our clothes.

WE DIDN’T WANT TO BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYWAY!!

She’s climbin’ in your windows, snatchin your shirts up, so hide your clothes, hide your hats and hide your shoes (and pots, pans, nail polish, movies, etc…) cause she’s stealin’ everybody’s stuff out there!