YEAR.

**I hadn't intended for this to turn into such an intense post, but my emotions got the better of me.

I find myself getting emotional when I reflect on the ups & downs this last year has brought me. Having a baby has been one of the craziest experiences of my entire life. I never knew it was possible to feel so much love for someone so tiny. 

Giving birth was a weird thing. I loved the baby inside of me. I knew I would love him no matter what. I was able to touch his hand briefly (shown below) before he was whisked away to Primary Children's, and my heart ached when he was gone. I felt empty.

Twenty-four hours later, I was released and able to go see & hold my baby for the first time. The experience is indescribable. So much love. So many emotions.

Eventually we had to go home and get some sleep. (I mean, I had given birth the day before, and apparently it's a big deal on your body or something. Weird.) I prolonged leaving as much as I possibly could. "Al, we should really get home. It's late."

I looked at my baby and began to sob. I thought what I felt at the hospital was emptiness. It was nothing in comparison to leaving the hospital. I thought my heart would explode. My husband finally got me to leave, and I tried to hold in my tears. As I sat in the car, I began to sob. 

"I hate this. I HATE this."

We spent the first few nights at my parent's house. I couldn't bear to go home and see everything we had prepared, the cradle we had set up... with no baby to put it in. It was so, so hard.

It's easy for me to forget the emotions I felt those first few days, and the fact that my son is an incredible miracle. (In his birth story, I don't know if I conveyed the seriousness of what actually happened. In the first few hours, the doctor's did not expect him to make it through the night. They didn't tell me this until after the fact, of course. But within 24 hours he was breathing on his own and considered an absolute miracle. Our particular nurse said he hadn't seen anything like it.) So often I get caught up in the daily stresses of being a mother that I forget how incredibly blessed I am to have this boy in my life. 

Motherhood isn't a breeze. There are days I want to rip my hair out. There are days I want to sew my uterus shut. And then there are days where my son gives me kisses. and laughs when I am angry with him. and unrolls the entire roll of toilet paper, and sticks it in the toilet only to pull it out and drag it all over, soaking the rest of my house. 

And it's those moments that make being a mother so worth it. My heart is so full of gratitude for my God, for trusting me to raise such an incredible spirit. 

My heart aches for those of you who have lost a child, whether it be before or after they were born. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. But I do know that the times I had to leave my son were absolutely the most difficult thing I have had to do. I am so, so glad for priesthood blessings, and the miracles I see in each and every day. I wake up to a miracle every morning. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that I get to be with my family for eternity. That knowledge brought me so much peace the first night I spent alone in the hospital. I knew that even if he didn't survive, it wouldn't be the last time I saw my baby. 

This last year has truly been a year of miracles.

To my baby J, I love you.

Happy one year. Let's try not to die this time around.

on a lighter note, here is a hilariously unattractive picture of me and J. but mostly me.
how lucky is my husband?