when push comes to shove

Being pregnant is a funny thing. As a lady, I lived a good 21 years with my innards all in their specific places. I learned how to read certain signs and had pretty good control over what was going to happen. When the bladder was full, it got emptied. When the intestines built up, I could easily take care of that too. When nausea hit, I was the queen of keeping it down.

Then I got pregnant. The nausea control went out the window the week of my birthday. I was still pretty good at holding my bladder and bowels. Things were okay.

Then the baby started to grow, and my organs shifted. Suddenly my bladder had a new friend who reminded her to work out way more than she was used to. My intestines got shoved into a hidden abyss. My abdomen stretched and lost it's ability to help a sister out.

Lately I've been craving dairy things, which is fine. Except that consuming a large amount of dairy products can make one constipated, which can also be fine. Except for when your organs shift and your brain doesn't know how to tell your bowels to push. Do you catch my drift? Let me be more specific and make you feel embarrassed for me.

I have encountered great difficulties on some of my recent bathroom trips. Consuming more dairy in a day than I normally would in a year has not been helping my case. Things tend to get a little backed up. I first encountered my problem shortly after the fire-shredding pain had begun. Not only was I dealing with a new arrangement of my intestines, but now my stomach muscles were in a position where I wasn't sure how to use them.

I had to go. At least, I thought I did, so I took a trip to my bathroom. I felt like an alien. I knew what was supposed to happen, but for some reason every part of my brain that was educated in how-to-go-number-two was shut off. I sat there and tried to figure out how to solve this problem. I didn't have the ab strength that was required, and my intestines had taken a trip to Narnia without letting me know. I tried everything in my power to do the deed and get back to my real life where people can poop without having an anxiety attack. Nothing was working, and I was afraid if I pushed too hard I'd put myself into labor.

The bad news is, I left that particular bathroom trip unsuccessful.
The good news is, eating fiber-based cereal and lots of fruit can balance out the whole dairy constipation thing. I can go to the bathroom like a normal human being now.

Hooray.